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[DogDayPM 9er9er9er]

The fine lawyers at "Promote Innovation, LLC" sat down to their fine Thanksgiving feasts, likely featuring in large part those juicy and delicious Butterball Turkeys.

Then the day after Thanksgiving, the fine lawyers at Promote Innovation, LLC promptly sued Butterball, LLC for false patent marking.  This for referring to the included turkey-lifting twine thong thingie as a "patented turkey lifter", which patent expired some time ago.

Oh the humanity; this is horrible.  I know that I and thousands, nay, dare I say millions, like me, bought the Butterball turkey not because it is juicy and delicious, but rather to get that nifty patented turkey lifter thong thingie.  If only I'd know the turkey lifter  thong thingie patent was expired, I'd have bought the store brand turkey instead.  You betcha.   


* For fans of WKRP in Cincinatti, an excerpt from the "turkey drop" episode where dingbat Carlson failed to realize turkey wings (while juicy and delicious) are mainly ornamental as regards the (ETA) -- mass-produced domesticated -- living bird.
(Les Nessman reporting):
"It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R... P!! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenburg tragedy has there been anything like this!"

[MYK]

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." -- A. Carlson


ETA:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FXSnoy71Q4

[JimIvey]

First, let me say that that particular moment of television was probably the funniest I've every experienced in my lifetime.  Eye-wateringly funny!

Second, at the risk of shattering everyone's suspended disbelief, I can attest that turkeys can indeed fly.  I have turkeys wandering around my neighborhood and have seen them perched in the Monterey pines here at about 50 feet about the ground.  I've seen them soar over my house at that altitude at least.  And, walking my dogs in the park, I've seen turkeys fly out of tall grass and fly away.

Now, for those who lament the loss of suspended disbelief in one of the funniest moments in sit-com history, it's entire plausible that the turkeys released from the helicopter had clipped wings.  And, my other favorite moment from WKRP in Cincinnati remains untarnished -- the "dancing ducks."  Sorry, no link for that.

Regards.

[MYK]

Yep, WKRP was one of those all-time great shows, along with Barney Miller, Magnum PI, and, of course, Quark.

Second, at the risk of shattering everyone's suspended disbelief, I can attest that turkeys can indeed fly.  I have turkeys wandering around my neighborhood and have seen them perched in the Monterey pines here at about 50 feet about the ground.  I've seen them soar over my house at that altitude at least.  And, walking my dogs in the park, I've seen turkeys fly out of tall grass and fly away.

I've always assumed they were throwing domesticated turkeys out of the helicopter.  Wild turkeys can fly, but the domestic birds have been bred for disproportionate size and inadequate plumage (growing feathers takes energy, and the energy can be better "invested" in producing muscle mass for the dinner table).  I've heard anecdotally that domestic turkeys can break their own leg bones just by stumbling, because their body mass is so large in comparison to what their bones can support.  They're just barely holding it together on the ground, poor things.  Poor delicious things.   Mmmmmmmmmmm.

[DogDayPM 9er9er9er]

I've always assumed they were throwing domesticated turkeys out of the helicopter.  Wild turkeys can fly, but the domestic birds have been bred for disproportionate size and inadequate plumage ...

Right-o, that's what I should have said and have edited to add.

One of my former corps had a visually beautiful setting, buildings nestled around a wooded lake, and especially on weekends I could watch deer amble by my window and occasionally spook up a wild turkey.  They could indeed fly, although these (mid-Atlantic region) probably weren't as good at flying as their more Western cousins Jim mentions - never saw them get up very high, more of a runningflapping take off followed by a substantially groundhugging glide, complete with ungraceful landing.

[JimIvey]

I've always assumed they were throwing domesticated turkeys out of the helicopter.  Wild turkeys can fly, but the domestic birds have been bred for disproportionate size and inadequate plumage (growing feathers takes energy, and the energy can be better "invested" in producing muscle mass for the dinner table).  I've heard anecdotally that domestic turkeys can break their own leg bones just by stumbling, because their body mass is so large in comparison to what their bones can support.  They're just barely holding it together on the ground, poor things.  Poor delicious things.   Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Yep.  Was expecting this issue.  I've also heard that domestic turkeys are so stupid that they'll drown in the rain by looking up at what's hitting them on the head.  Don't know whether to believe that -- perhaps just an urban legend.

The turkeys here are relatively new -- appeared for the first time about 7-10 years ago.  The speculation is that they're domestic turkeys escaped from a nearby farm.  They're brown, but I've seen brown turkeys on farms.  I understand that wild turkeys are thinner and smaller; these are huge.  They're also very smart -- I've seen a male-female pair coordinating getting chicks across the road by telling them when to run and when to come back, depending on car traffic, truly amazing to see.

So, the precise nature of these turkeys is a bit in doubt.  At the very least, they are born and grow up wild, without any wing clipping.

Hmm...  Not nearly as funny, but another possible scenario for the turkey drop would have been the turkeys all gliding/flying off in all directions over a 0.5-1.0-mile radius.  They're great at hiding!  A mama turkey lost 3 chicks (each as big as a young adult chicken) in my back yard.  I locked up the dogs and tried to go find them to let them out.  Couldn't find them.  With the mama on my roof calling and directing, they all came out after about 10 min. and walked out the side gate.

Regards.

[MYK]

I've also heard that domestic turkeys are so stupid that they'll drown in the rain by looking up at what's hitting them on the head.  Don't know whether to believe that -- perhaps just an urban legend.

I've heard it was an urban legend, but one of my roommates just repeated the same thing while cooking Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm inclined to believe her, since she's a final-year vet-med student.

[Robert K S]

Oh, DogDay, you're just jealous they beat you to the courthouse on this one. :-)

[Kaitlin]

Didn't see this thread till just now, but you all have made my day!

[petethebody]

Didn't two separate Relators sue Butterball for false marking? 

This raises some serious concerns about settling.  Has anyone seen a case where a company settled a qui tam false marking case, only to get sued by another troll?  How has anyone else approached this issue?

[DogDayPM 9er9er9er]

The fine lawyers representing "Union Properties, LLC" have sued the Boy Scouts of America under the false marking statute because some of the Boy Scout "camp belts" are marked with a leather-embossing patent that is expired.

The Boy Scouts Of America have allegedly been willfully intending to deceive the buying public (which I guess means Cub Scouts, Webelos and other Boy Scouts) into purchasing their no-longer-patented National Jamboree camp belts...   

...Oh the Humanity. 

Thanks be to Union Properties, LLC for seeking to put an end to this "injury to the sovereignty of the United States" and for helping to stop the Boy Scouts of America from their evil practices which "deter innovation and stifle competition in the marketplace", or to put it another way in another paragraph, and being sure to avoid repetitive usage of descriptive terms, the acts of the Boy Scouts of America have "quelled competition regarding similar products to an immeasurable extent, thus, causing harm to the United States in an amount that cannot be determined readily".

Quelled competition to an immeasurable extent! 

...Oh the Humanity.

[MYK]

Having frozen my @$$ off in a BSA-approved and -branded sleeping bag on my very first camping trip, I for one would like to congratulate the fine people at Union Properties LLC for uncovering this travesty and to wish them success in their endeavours.